Open letter to my love…
I am tired. I know you try to understand. You see me go to sleep, you see me wake up. Each and every day is a struggle for me in some other way. Today I might have a hard time holding my head up. Tomorrow I might have a hard time bending over to pick up something I have dropped, and I will drop something often. I am tired. I am tired of being held captive by the monsters that have my mind and body in their steely grip. I never know what kind of day it’s going to be, and I never know what I may be able to accomplish today if anything at all. I may not always be able to think clearly enough to help you with things or the girls with their homework, remember to pay a bill or sometimes even pay one twice! I may forget to stir the food on the stove or take it out of the oven and maybe it will burn. Of course you understand so this will never bother you but it upsets me, because I feel that I’m not doing a good job of taking care of you. I am tired. I am tired of smiling and pretending that everything is okay when inside I feel like crying. At times I hide my deepest feelings inside myself because there’s nothing you can do and I don’t want you suffering for me, this is one thing you just can’t fix. I love that you take the time to understand how difficult each day, each task is for me. Although I am tired of fighting a battle that I feel we may never win, we can’t and won’t stop. I do the very best that I can every day, still not ahead. It feels at times that its never enough. It costs precious energy that I cannot spare to keep fighting and I’d rather save that energy so that I can spend time with you. It might not be a lot of time, but I try to make it quality happy time. I try not to complain, no matter how much pain I may be in or how tired I am. But I am so very tired… I am tired of being sick. I wish that things could go back to the way they were before but I know they can’t. I am sorry I’m not the person you used to know or the happy fun mom that I used to be. No matter how hard I try, that person is lost. All you have left is the person who fights to remain strong, the person that sometimes needs help for the smallest of tasks, the person who has now become your fight too. I’m so grateful that you still look at me with that same loving stare, can laugh at my dumb jokes, are the best husband/father ever and just love me unconditionally. I am just so very tired and…I know you are too. We are tired. I am so happy that we at least have each other to be forever happily tired…together.
Just Krazed – Just for Fun in a Krazed World
I think many people including myself tend to get more stressed during the holidays and whether we realize it or not social media plays a big part in representing falsities.
It is so very important to remember that what you see on social media is NOT always a true reality for a person. I myself for example, well I used to be Queen Bee of Christmas, I loved everything about it, all aspects were always on point. I’d have all my gifts bought and wrapped by Thanksgiving, food, desserts etc planned and done. Christmas music blaring and decorating done and done. I had a system and nothing would mess with it. Granted it doesn’t sound as pleasant but it really was I had a ton of jolly mixed in lol it was “my perfect”.
Once I began getting sick many years ago it became much more difficult and little by little just as with everything else I felt as if I was losing part of who/what I once was. Now, I just do what I can, how I can without putting as much emphasis on what was or what others do. I used to beat myself up over it but I’ve had to learn (heck I’m still learning) to just go with MY own flow and I now know it’s OK. 👌🏻
Back to social media, I’ve had many people in my life that have been super understanding when it comes to my illnesses vs my capabilities and then there are those that will never truly get it. The ones that will see a photo on Facebook and comment “omg wow you look great, it’s so nice to see you feeling better yada yada”. I never understood that, how do people ones you don’t talk to often even think they can gauge how another “feels” or how their life is going from pictures on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc.
I didn’t know wth was going through their minds until that is…I caught myself doing it. Maybe not to that extent but I still did it. Even the times when I’ve admittedly felt (literally seconds) a twinge of jealousy upon seeing something on social media whether I know them or not and that’s wrong because I don’t know their circumstances. Usually for me it’s as simple as seeing their “clean house” lol. So yeah, I suddenly realized how easy it is to do.
I do know however that looks in general can be so very deceiving. Heck most times it’s really just all about placement. I’ll be the first to admit that I definitely do not always have a spotless home or one as organized as I’d prefer it to be but I mean I’m not gonna take and post a pic in front of the laundry, pile of empty boxes or stack of dirty dishes lol. Therefore in photos my house “seems” just as great but in reality I made my daughters scooch to the left or edited a pic of myself & hubby to avoid an eye sore lol.
Life wasn’t meant to be perfect, we all have something or another going on. I’m just here to say…ITS OK! Really it is…so just breathe! Relax and enjoy life without adding extra unescessary stress to it.
Should a mess or the fact that your Christmas doesn’t “look” as good as someone else’s you see even factor into your daily stress? Hellll NO! Focus your energy on positive things such as the blessings in life…family, friends etc.
We are all doing GREAT in our own way! We cannot compare but instead just give ourselves a pat on the back for a job well done!🙌🏻
Remind yourself that YOU are doing the best you can and will only improve as you go. You don’t need to be better than anyone, only better than the person YOU were yesterday.😉 You got this!
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